Raising children in Irvine

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PANDA_IHB

PANDA_IHB

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I'm married, don't any children but plan to start a family soon in Irvine. My wife and I love everything about Irvine, but one thing that concerns me is the Southern California's Cultural Pathology that irvine renter posted a while ago and how it can impact raising children in Irvine. Is it common that parents spoil their children with a nice bmw on their 16th birthday, or do many raise their kids with good values in terms of money and hardwork. While shopping for a home in irvine, my real estate agent made a comment that many of the children don't know how good they have it, and it is common that many parents spoil them. This made me wonder if this statement was true or not? Any opinions?
 
<p>The problem with Irvine is the "normal" families are more likely to be found in old Northwood, El Camino, Woodbridge. Older communities where you don't see a Benz and Bimmer in every driveway... While I love the development of Northpark in terms of houses, location, etc. the perceived materialistic nature of many that bought there makes me shy away from it in terms of raising my boys in that environment. Do I really want my kids to go to school with these kids? My boys will be slinging burgers, working retail or bagging groceries if they want to drive a car. Will their friends have to do that? I'd hope so.</p>

<p>I think this is one of the reasons we've found ourselves gravitating more toward the northern Tustin Ranch area lately. People just seem more "normal" for lack of a better word. The developments have more of a community and family feel to me... I'll give you an example. I was visiting an open house in TRanch this weekend. I came down the stairs and the owner had popped in to grab a bottle of wine from his wine rack. He said hey and took off out the front door. During the open house, he, his kids, and probably his wife were hanging out next door with the neighbors. I could hear the kids playing out back. You aren't going to see that happening in many of the keep-to-yourselves, we-are-better-than-you neighborhoods in Irvine IMO.</p>
 
<p>I think there are always parents raising thier kids with good values around you - sometimes it is just hard to notice them because the other parents are so busy bragging about this and that and trying to up one another. Unfortunately, my experience is this type of stuff goes on everywhere. </p>

<p>However, since we moved out here I have heard a lot about how competitive things are for kids in Irvine - that you need to pick thier extra curricular activities very early on (i.e., soccer, whatever) and then the kids spend a lot of time on that one thing in order to keep up with the other children thier same age. I am not too thrilled about that situation. My kids are not yet in school so haven't had direct experience yet. </p>
 
Yeah, wow. One of the big issues in our home.<p>

We end up denying our children many things even we want them to have it, just so they do not have everything. And it still seems like they have too much of everything. Grandparents, relatives and ... still buy them too much.<p>

More later. Have to help with homework.
 
word problems.<p>

It feels like we are losing the battle. No matter what they have, they want more. Is it our example? We defer gratification, but they still hear us talk about stuff. They are with us when we look at homes.<p>

And their friends. <b>OH ... MY ... GOSH !</b> Their friends. Cells phones, Abercrombie and Fitch, Limited Too, Bruegger's Bagels, and I do not even know all the name brands. By fourth grade they are indoctrinated.<p>

Do you make them help with the homeless? Is there a safety issue with that? How do they experientially learn that most of the world has so much less? How do they learn that no matter what you have, you will always want more? How do you teach them to be content with what they have?<p>

We do not have the answer. But we are acutely aware of the issue.
 
<p>This cracks me up. 99% high school graduation rate. 20% higher SAT scores than the national average. 95% go to college. Lowest teen drug usage in the county. And the safest or one of the top 10 safest cities in the US for at least the last decade. But there is actually a discussion on whether this is a good place to raise kids because of a so called "southern california cultural pathology"? Are we kidding? </p>

<p>Seriously --- do you all get out of Irvine and Orange County much? These cultural pathology people are EVERYWHERE, we don't have a corner on that market --- your kiddies are going to see those a-holes everywhere they go throughout life. It's just that ours are sensationalized by things like The OC and Real Housewives --- and even here on the IHB. Assuming you all live in the same Irvine I do, take a close look around at ALL of your neighbors, at ALL of the people you encounter in your daily life here. There are a lot more more regular folks here just living good solid lives than there are Real Housewife former mortgage brokers --- but if 1 in 20 people you see is one of <em>those</em>, that's the one you remember, not the other 19 driving a Sienna with their UCI or UCLA sweatshirt on. </p>

<p>Sure, Irvine is not perfect --- but geez people, it does not get much better than this.</p>
 
<p>I think this is problem less an issue of whether or not Irvine is a great place to raise kids, but more an issue of how to raise them with more fundamental old school values in a place where more families than the average locale probably don't. Let's face, people have some bucks here and are very involved with their kids. They are going to spend on them. How do you deny your kids if you have the means and the parents of their friends don't?! I struggle with that some and my kids are only 3 and 1. I chose to live in this area and definitely don't complain. If it was really that big a deal, I'd move somewhere else... </p>

<p>One of the litle things we did was decide amongst our friends not to give gifts to each other's kids on Xmas. We take some of the presents that come from extended family and donate them or save them for other occasions or non-occasions so they don't used to opening 25 presents on Christmas morning. My 3-year old goes with me regular on donation runs and every time we hit the Salvation Army drop at Jeffrey and Walnut, he remarks about how some little boy that needed a tricycle is riding his Lightning McQueen trike right now. They don't see us spending much or buying much for ourselves, so hopefully that will translate to them. Even in my little condo community here in West Irvine, there are lots of parents that hit Disneyland every month, constantly buy new toys, etc. and end up with kids that are already spoiled before they even get to kindegarten.</p>
 
What I hate about living here is that my son is going to be "different" than almost all of his school friends, whose parents are married. There are plenty of other communities I could live in where single mothers are not the rarity that they are around here. And I also hate how everyone, and I mean everyone, always just assumes that I'm married because I have a child.





I am really not looking forward to the day when I have to console him over being teased by school bullies for being a child of divorce. Kids are so damn mean, and the rich ones are usually the meanest (in my experience, anyway).





So I'm one of those terrible parents who takes my kid to Disney every month, and buys him new toys frequently. We spend a LOT of time together, alone, and it makes us both happy to do these things. I'd love to be able to do things differently (like have lots of family or friends) but given his personality and my life situation, it just has not been possible. And I was raised in a poor household so being able to easily afford to treat him to fun things gives me great pleasure. So what - I guess I just am not as concerned as you guys all are about it all. I am extremely confident that he will grow up to be a good, decent person. He is my whole world, I love him more than I can express, and I guess I just know in my heart that I'm raising him right, by my own standards.
 
I agree with ISM, i grew up with nothing - we dont have any kids, but im going to spoil them when we do, i think you can give your kids what they want and still teach them the value of money or maybe im just being naive. Either way, it will bring me pleasure to buy them the things i always wanted growing up. If a BMW at 16 is what they want, a BMW at 16 is what it will be. Spoiling your kids doesnt make you a bad parent, nor does it mean your kid will not turn out to be a good person.
 
I hear you, IPO --- and you are doing the right things and a better job of it than we are, frankly. But the problem of keeping your children grounded is a battle that must be fought in every household in every community. It's in the nature of a child to want want want everything the other kid has, regardless of where they live, and what the scale of that toy is. I grew up in the suburbs of Minneapolis. There, it was very competitive to have the fastest and most expensive snowmobile or jet ski. I had neither, but sure bugged my dad to get one. In the IE, I'm sure there were neighbor kids who's parents bought them a new mini truck while you worked for yours. In Inglewood kids shoot each other over a pair of shoes. The struggle to manage this is no different in Irvine than it is anywhere else. But all the other things Irvine offers makes it a hell of a lot better than Minnesota, the IE, or Inglehood, IMO.
 
<p>I can see where ISM is coming from, but getting something for your child just because they want it seems completely crazy to me. Even if I could afford it, I'd never do it. While it does provide great pleasure to do something like that for them, I think it sends the wrong message and establishes bad precedents. </p>

<p>I want my kids to be thankful, appreciative, well-mannered, hard-working, etc. and I don't think I can provide everything they desire to them and somehow foster those ideals at the same time. Maybe I'm just not that skilled of a parent... I'm pretty basic and teach more by action/inaction. In my opinion, you can't just tell them how to be and what to believe, they have to live it some too.</p>

<p>I feel great inside when my son opens up a great new toy knowing that I was able to provide it for him when my parents never could have. You know what, I feel just as great, maybe even more so, when he gives a big unprompted "thank you" and electric smile to the lady at Sport Clips when she hands him a lollipop after his haircut or when he stops to try and hold a door open for a mother with a stroller... </p>
 
<p>If kids nowadays are the same as when I was a toddler. I don't think they'll be mean to him b/c he's from a divorce family. In elementary school, I had a best friend. I didn't know about his family until one day he invited me over. As a child, I was more puzzled and curious towards his parents situation than being mean.</p>
 
<p>Totally agree CK, this fight is fought everywhere and always has been. I wanted Vans in junior high, but got whatever shoes they sold at the base exchange instead. Cool BMX bike like the other kids, nope, I got my brother's fugly hand-me-down with the long banana seat... In the IE, most kids went without though, as it was a pretty poor area. Sure seems like here, kids are getting much more often than going without. </p>

<p>Don't you wonder, when you and the wife are driving around neighborhoods checking out open houses, what the parents with all the over-priced vehicles are teaching their kids? Do these parents just spend on themselves and not spoil the kids? I really have no idea... Just making assumptions with little surface data. My guess is that we'll fit in better with the Accord/Sienna/Pilot crowd vs. the Benz/Bimmer families. Up until recently, our multi-millionaire friends had a 10-year Explorer and 8-year old Expedition. They finally bit the bullet and splurged on a Sequoia. Those are the kind of people I hope to have living next to me for 20+ years. </p>
 
"the long banana seat"?...Hahaha!...I remember those! My parents couldn't even afford that. I still remember my younger brother borrowed the "banana seat" bike from his friend and raced against the one kid on the block with the BMX. My brother won!!...
 
<p>"Accord/Sienna/Pilot crowd". Right on, you named both of our vehicles in that sentence, and I'll never own a Toyota. </p>

<p>Although I will admit that I gave into pressure from my daughter and put a DVD player in the Pilot. After a recent playdate with one of her little friends (who also have a Pilot) the mother said to me "Thanks a lot, now our daughter is telling us she wants a TV in our car". Whoops. I'm guilty.</p>

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ISM, there is an abundance of single parents in Newport and Huntington. I figure that rich parents are able to raise their kids alone. I don't think it's uncommon at all to be a single mom.
 
I find most people don't act wealthy here .Everyone has the fancy car here versus just one person. I remember counting the Mercedes at the lights. How is this possible?? Our way of life is normal for the kids here. It's all they know.
 
<p>I was divorced when my daughter was 4. Having grown up in poor single parent household as the only child I have never acquired the skill to cohabitate and share emotionally with significant others. Without any role model as I was growing up I learned much of my social and basic life skills during my adulthood. I am still learning. </p>

<p>My daughter will be 12 soon and she is doing well with both divorced parents. Being a child in a divorced family she learned early on to take the responsibility to manage her homework and deadline schedule. Since she can’t have 2 sets of everything like textbooks and clothes she plans well ahead of time and packs precisely just like her vacation trips. She developed the skill of organization and timing with control over the calendar. If she missed packing certain school supplies and books then she will not complete her school project and assignments on time. </p>

<p>When she was much younger in the first grade the teacher asked about the children’s home and she proudly said she has 2 homes. Other kids from divorced households were ashamed and reluctant to share earlier raise their hands as well to share their stories as well. Out of 32 kids 7 other kids shared similar experiences. That really opened the door for other kids to feeling better and having much more self esteem knowing the smartest kid in the class has similar experience. </p>

<p>She has straight A’s and is well adjusted. Her childhood has been different from other kids because she often having to deal with adults having drastically different opinions and personalities. Kids from divorced households mature sooner because they do not have the insulation and unity that traditional families provide. </p>

<p>She sees other kids with materialistic things but she knows that both of her parents are living off singular income and she knows better not to ask for them. She lives in Irvine among the spoiled kids. I made a conscientious decision to live close by but not in Irvine so she has an opportunity to see a very different side of OC that is not so perfect. </p>

<p>I felt it is important to allow her to see families and children take buses and walk homes with grocery bags. Homeless are real and not everyone has a roof over his head and the off ramp is one’s office. I take her to places outside of Irvine so she can see the society is not perfect. Homeless, crime, and addiction do really exist outside the TV.</p>
 
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