Parental help with the house

NEW -> Contingent Buyer Assistance Program
My family is Cuban and myself and the cousins that have or are in the process of buying a house have done it with little to no help from our parents. I'm in the process of buying a condo and my parents are giving me a little towards the downpayment but the majority is coming from my savings. I think they are mostly doing it out of guilt as they are paying for a big chunk of my sister's wedding ;) But hey - it works for me! It would have taken me a couple of months to save the money they're giving me but this allows me to get into a place a little quicker than I had planned (and get out of an awful renting situation). I'm the first of my friends to actually buy but a lot of my friends have gotten help from their parents in the past - whether it was to pay for a vacation, pay for rent or even pay for groceries. And there was no particular ethnicity - if the parents had the money, they were willing to help out their kids. I tend to think it's generational - a Generation Y mentality of "give me, give me, give me but I don't actually have to work for it". Most of my friends are either my age (30) or younger and I find that my younger friends are getting the most help from their parents.
 
While most Asian parents would probably like their childeren to live close by, it is also beneficial for the children to have the parently close by. My parents have been invaluable in my own parenting responsibilities. Even though I use a nanny and send my kid to preschool, I feel much safer knowing my parents are close by and able to respond in emergencies.



My parents have never given me any money for real estate purchases. My parents paid for my education from preschool to grad school and I think they have paid enough on my behalf. On the contrary, nowadays, I give my parents little gifts here and there. I have been paying for their vacations for the last ten years. It costs me about $20k a year. I also bought my mom a new Lexus last year. My parents can certainly afford their own vacations and cars but I do this because it increases their prestige amongst their silly Taiwanese friends. They usually travel with their friends and it makes them very proud to tell their traveling companions that "my son paid for this trip!" espeically when none of their traveling companions can make a similar statement. My mom loves to tell people that "my son bought me this Lexus!"
 
Had no help from my parents. They have helped me from time to time in college, but that was just a little here and there. I do believe that people should do the majority of work for themselves as they probably won't appreciate it.

Anyways good luck

-bix
 
I can't tell if this thread is intended to only be answered by Asian people. I guess I'll just throw my 2 cents in anyway. I have white parents. They did not help me at all with college, buying a home, etc. My father was born in 1938 to a family just coming out of the Depression. He usually did not have much to offer in way of financial support but at the times in later years that he did he still did not offer. He told me the best gift you can ever give your child are lessons from the "School of Hard Knocks". So there you have it. As an adult now, I do understand his point of view. He did what he thought would strengthen his child and I am glad for what I have learned because of it. To be honest, though, I think I will probably take a slightly softer approach with my own children, primarily when it comes to their education.
 
[quote author="High Gravity" date=1233714832]While most Asian parents would probably like their childeren to live close by, it is also beneficial for the children to have the parently close by. My parents have been invaluable in my own parenting responsibilities. Even though I use a nanny and send my kid to preschool, I feel much safer knowing my parents are close by and able to respond in emergencies.



My parents have never given me any money for real estate purchases. My parents paid for my education from preschool to grad school and I think they have paid enough on my behalf. On the contrary, nowadays, I give my parents little gifts here and there. I have been paying for their vacations for the last ten years. It costs me about $20k a year. I also bought my mom a new Lexus last year. My parents can certainly afford their own vacations and cars but I do this because it increases their prestige amongst their silly Taiwanese friends. They usually travel with their friends and it makes them very proud to tell their traveling companions that "my son paid for this trip!" espeically when none of their traveling companions can make a similar statement. My mom loves to tell people that "my son bought me this Lexus!"</blockquote>


Congratulation to your parents. They have the ultimate bragging line. It brings honor to the family when a son is filial to the elders and produces grand children. Your parents were probably thinking about all that investment for our son's education $250k while seeing the envious expression on their friends and relatives face PRICELESS.
 
[quote author="SoCal78" date=1233715316]I can't tell if this thread is intended to only be answered by Asian people. I guess I'll just throw my 2 cents in anyway. I have white parents. They did not help me at all with college, buying a home, etc. My father was born in 1938 to a family just coming out of the Depression. He usually did not have much to offer in way of financial support but at the times in later years that he did he still did not offer. He told me the best gift you can ever give your child are lessons from the "School of Hard Knocks". So there you have it. As an adult now, I do understand his point of view. He did what he thought would strengthen his child and I am glad for what I have learned because of it. To be honest, though, I think I will probably take a slightly softer approach with my own children, primarily when it comes to their education.</blockquote>


Many Chinese elders born during the era of the late 20's to the early 50's immigrated to this country with no language and vocational skills. They worked odd jobs in sweatshops and restaurants but put their kids through colleges achieving advance degrees. They also helped with some down payment for their kids first home. Their frugality enable them to save a penny at a time is extra ordinarily.



Their childrens' generation makes 10x or more than them but the children save very little compared to the them and that includes me.
 
[quote author="High Gravity" date=1233714832]While most Asian parents would probably like their childeren to live close by, it is also beneficial for the ch ildren to have the parently close by. My parents have been invaluable in my own parenting responsibilities. Eventhough I use a nanny and send my kid to preschool, I feel much safer knowing my parents are close by and able to respond in emergencies.



My parents have never given me any money for real estate purchases. My parents paid for my education from preschool to grad school and I think they have paid enough on my behalf. On the contrary, nowadays, I give my parents little gifts here and there. I have been paying for their vacations for the last ten years. It costs me about $20k a year. I also bought my mom a new Lexus last year. My parents can certainly afford their own vacations and cars but I do this because it increases their prestige amongst their silly Taiwanese friends. They usually travel with their friends and it makes them very proud to tell their traveling companions that "my son paid for this trip!" espeically when none of their traveling companions can make a similar statement. My mom loves to tell people that "my son bought me this Lexus!"</blockquote>


Honest question, how does that work? Do you just give them a blank check and they plan the vaca themselves? When you buy them a lexus do you go out to the dealer and buy it for them?
 
[quote author="bkshopr" date=1233716347]Their frugality enable them to save a penny at a time is extra ordinarily.



Their childrens' generation makes 10x or more than them but the children save very little compared to the them and that includes me.</blockquote>


It's funny that we think saving a penny at a time is extraordinary, but i would argue that it wasn't extraordinary at the time.



Sure, we make 10x as much, but the cost of living has gone up 20x. Again, my opinon, that 20's and 50's generation is the first generation that will do better economically than the generation of their children, kind of a scary sad thought.
 
[quote author="ss" date=1233708203][quote author="ss" date=1233673108][quote author="ss" date=1233655378]Parental help could be billed more as early ss. People want to see the positive effects of the money that their beneficiaries will ss prior their untimely deaths. Personally, i think it's sad that parents don't want to help their kids out with a home purchase, especially if they have the means to do so. Of course, the kid has take responsibility, find the home, perform some dd, and have an income to support the mortgage. Seems like in this part of the country, if you don't have an advantage or a helping hand, you're stuck in ss.



Also, I think those helping parents (aka the baby boomer generation) could represent the economic peak of the ss century (pensions, rapidly increasing stock index, reaped the benefits of ss). I don't think next future generations will do as financially well and that the source of most U.S. wealth will be through ss. God help you if your parents don't have a net worth over $ss. There's always a disconnect, ss i do the math on my retirement fund based solely on a ss, ss and ss, and the lifestyle I would like to have.</blockquote>


Early inheritance? Hmm-m-m. I guess you can call it whatever you want, but in reality, it is a gift.

I think the positive effect my father wanted to have on me was to instill his values of hard work, independence, personal accountability and responsibility. I do not find it sad that my father did not help me out financially. He helped me out where it counted in that he provided a model of character and integrity. I think he wanted to give me values rather than to give me things. I think it would be sad for an offspring to treat a gift from a parent as if it was an "early inheritance." And may God help me no matter my parents net worth.</blockquote>


In reality? Yes in a tax code reality, it's a gift, but affluent Baby Boomers often pass on a portion of their wealth before they die, why is that sad? It gives them an opportunity to see the positive impact and help their beneficiaries use it wisely, who cares what you call it, be it a gift or early ssance.



Well, if your father didn't have the means to help you out financially, that's pretty tragic too. A lifetime of work and no means to help out those you love. What's even sadder is that hard work, independence, personal accountability and responsibility never paid off, dad probably should have focused on some other, less cliche values. Sure, money isn't everything and should never be a number one priority, but, it remains an essential tool and key to many opportunities that values alone can't purchase. In this country and if you look at the future generations, many would be working to the day they die if it weren't for the transfer of wealth.



It's not an either/or between values and gifts can which often do come hand in hand. Parents that help their children financially could model a desire for their children to help their children out. But I understand the bitterness, sour grapes right?</blockquote>






Yeah, it is sour grapes. :roll:



Why in the world would you assume that my father's life of <em>"hard work, independence, personal accountability and responsibility never paid off"?</em>



I never said it was sad that <em>"affluent Baby Boomers often pass on a portion of their wealth before they die."</em> I said it was sad that the receivers of a gift from a parent treat that gift as if it is an inheritance and not a gift, which it is. An inheritance is transferred upon death. A gift is transferred while the giver is still alive. Why the need to redefine the truth? Everybody else understands the difference between an inheritance and a gift. Why would you feel the need to confuse the two?



From Wikipedia:

<em>Inheritance is the practice of passing on property, titles, debts, and obligations upon the death of an individual</em>

and

<em>In common law jurisdictions, an heir is a person who is entitled to receive a share of the decedent's property via the rules of inheritance in the jurisdiction where the decedent died or owned property at the time of death. Strictly speaking, one becomes an heir only upon the death of the decedent. It is improper to speak of the "heir" of a living person, since the exact identity of the persons entitled to inherit are not determined until the time of death.</em>



<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inheritance">Wikipedia - Inheritance</a>



From Wikipedia on "Early Inheritance"

<strong>No page with that title exists.</strong>



From Wikipedia on gift:

<em>A gift or a present is the transfer of something, without the need for compensation that is involved in trade. A gift is a voluntary act which does not require anything in return. Even though it involves possibly a social expectation of reciprocity, or a return in the form of prestige or power, a gift is meant to be free</em>



I am curious as to why you would feel the need to make up some fantasy term for a gift. Did you get a large gift from your parents? Are you uncomfortable with it? Do you feel obligated? Why the need to make something up?



I would venture to guess that my father and I have a better relationship than those who are bestowed with large gifts from their parents. Just a guess. My father did help me with not only the purchase of my home, but with anything that requires responsibility. He just did not help monetarily with purchasing a home. And honestly, I would have to give him credit for teaching me enough that I have been able to accumulate my own assets.



<em>"dad probably should have focused on some other, less cliche values."</em>

Wow, are you really that shallow? I guess your own writing that you consider those values to be cliche are enough evidence of that.

Do you realize that you know little of my father? I did not reveal how much wealth he has or doesn't have and yet you assume that he is not successful financially. I read through my posts, and nothing I wrote would give that impression.



<em>"It's not an either/or between values and gifts can which often do come hand in hand. Parents that help their children financially could model a desire for their children to help their children out."</em>



Agreed, it is not an either/or.

Giving to non-family could also model generosity, yes? What do you think is a better model of generosity, giving to family or non-family or is it the same?



If I gave the impression that my father never helped my financially, I mislead you. He helped me get through college. And he was extremely generous with his first granddaughter's college expenses, and I assume he will be just as generous with his other granddaughters.



<em>"I don?t think next future generations will do as financially well and that the source of most U.S. wealth will be through inheiritence. God help you if your parents don?t have a net worth over $2m. There?s always a disconnect, everytime i do the math on my retirement fund based solely on a 401k, ira and ss, and the lifestyle I would like to have."</em>



It seems we have more differences. Although I do not expect, I am training my children to do as well if not better than me financially and as parents and as humans. And I can not imagine being concerned with my parent's net worth except as it concerns their comfort and financial well being. Nor can I imagine counting on an inheritance for my desired lifestyle. When doing the math, I realize that my retirement will be more than adequate based on my own accumulation of assets. And for me, I would tend more to think, "God help me if I ever thought I was somehow entitled to my parent's assets, even through inheritance. Or if my desired lifestyle necessitated an inheritance from my parents."





Oh well, to each their own.
 
[quote author="tkaratz" date=1233719795][quote author="bkshopr" date=1233716347]Their frugality enable them to save a penny at a time is extra ordinarily.



Their childrens' generation makes 10x or more than them but the children save very little compared to the them and that includes me.</blockquote>


It's funny that we think saving a penny at a time is extraordinary, but i would argue that it wasn't extraordinary at the time.



Sure, we make 10x as much, but the cost of living has gone up 20x. Again, my opinon, that 20's and 50's generation is the first generation that will do better economically than the generation of their children, kind of a scary sad thought.</blockquote>


We are materialistic and they were not.
 
[quote author="bkshopr" date=1233720029][quote author="tkaratz" date=1233719795][quote author="bkshopr" date=1233716347]Their frugality enable them to save a penny at a time is extra ordinarily.



Their childrens' generation makes 10x or more than them but the children save very little compared to the them and that includes me.</blockquote>


It's funny that we think saving a penny at a time is extraordinary, but i would argue that it wasn't extraordinary at the time.



Sure, we make 10x as much, but the cost of living has gone up 20x. Again, my opinon, that 20's and 50's generation is the first generation that will do better economically than the generation of their children, kind of a scary sad thought.</blockquote>


We are materialistic and they were not.</blockquote>


How many times have you heard from a baby boomer - "Oh, when you buy your house, just live on one salary and put the other into the house. We did that and paid off the house in 2 years, it was the best thing we ever did".



2 years salary after tax paid for a SFR with a yard ... those were the days.
 
[quote author="roundcorners" date=1233712471][quote author="tkaratz" date=1233712161][quote author="roundcorners" date=1233710800]It has been by experience that Asian parents show their "love" by buying their children material possessions. Since they show very little emotions support and physical affection, they figure that just throwing hard cash at them will make up for it. It starts very young, where the child gets rewarded with cash for doing well in homework, grades, and musical performances. It gets bigger and bigger, from there; you get into UCI, you get an Integra, or better yet a Lexus. Find that submissive wife, you get a grand wedding. Pop out a grand-child, you get a million dollar Irvine SFR.</blockquote>


I can tell your asian. Probably korean, specifically a self hating korean that claims to be americanized but only has korean friends.</blockquote>


I am Asian, but not Korean, no, I was that guy that went to community college, because I could not afford UC, I grew up in a jacked-up home and it was a miracle that I made it to college; got an MBA. I was that kid driving a 89 prelude while friends drove new Lexus & Acuras; and I'm that guy renting while the peers bought; am I bitter? No way...</blockquote>


JC here. And then UCLA. In a Vega and a VW. That was a few years ago. We plan on buying our next home for cash.



I had a Korean girlfriend. When I met her she had a BA and an MA, both in Math and had her own townhome in Irvine. Her mother and sister lived in her place, rent free. I do not know the details, but her father was a pastor before he died and I assume he was not affluent enough to help her financially a great deal. She was self made and not self hating.
 
[quote author="bkshopr" date=1233712447][quote author="awgee" date=1233673404][quote author="roundcorners" date=1233666996]Alright, so following in Daedalus? post I?ll try to do the same:



#1 ? Couple ? Second generation Chinese ? sold an Irvine condo, his parents help them buy an Alexandria (voc) house at the peak in 05 (1.3 million). He?s a consultant; she?s an Irvine school teacher.

#2 ? Couple ? First or Second generation Taiwanese; Husband is a Irvine Police officer, wife is stay at home with 3 kids, live in Northpark; bought in early 2000; parents help with down and payments. They also live down the street in Northpark.

#3 ? Couple ? Second generation Chinese/Taiwanese ? Parents help buy house in Harvard Square significant down payment late 1999. They were going broke with $1,500/month negative; her parents were able to help with monthly payments. I?m sure it?s free & clear now.

#4 ? Single Female 30 something ? Second generation Taiwanese ? Bought SFR in Quail Hill, parents put 100% down; parents also live in Irvine. She?s a pharmacist.

#5 ? Couple ? Quail Hill ? bought condo with some down payment help. Parents also helped in Orange Tree condo for investments; husband property manages and works as a programmer.

#6 ? Single male, second generation ? parents bought Orange Tree condo for him to live in during undergrad program at UCI, now that he is graduated; the parents are renting it out.

#7 ? Indian couple, first generation ? same story, parents bought Streamwood condo for college; now they work and live in the condo, free and clear. Parent is a pediatrician.

#8 ? Mid 40s couple, second/third generation ? Had parents help buying in Northwood after selling house in Torrance; also had help buying two rental 4-plexes. Two kids, wife stay at home, husband basically retired, IT guy.

#9 ? Single second generation Korean ? parents help with Watermarke condo while in Law School, now working.

#10 ? Vietnamese couple in Watermarke, first/second generation ? parents helped with purchase. Forgot what they do?

#11 ? First/second generation couple ? Stonetree plan 3, help with down payment, has a $2,000 negative right from the start, had to get help with that too. Husband is a web guy for HP, wife stay at home, one kid, another on the way.

#12 ? Couple ?also Stonetree ? second generation ? is having a tough time with payments, had parents, don?t know how much.

#13 - Second generation Korean husband with Causian wife - her mom helped with down and lives with them, two kids bought in El Camino in 06.

#14 - Another white couple - wife is Brazillian, husband white, bought small condo in El Camino with significant help from his parents.



The rest of my peers mostly rent from IAC, most one bedroom and most just had their first child. I say about 4 couples here, mixed generation and cultures. A lot of single guys & gals, about 8 to 10 that have help with IAC apartment while doing to grad school.



Again of all the people I mentioned above, they would NOT have been able to buy at the time they bought without parental help...</blockquote>


Been thinking for a few minutes, and I can not think of anyone I know who has told me that their parents helped them buy a home. Maybe my friends have had help, maybe not, but I have never asked, and I can not remember anyone ever volunteering the info.</blockquote>


In your generation It was not customarily for parents to step in and help. $500 would have been adequate for a down payment.</blockquote>


My generation, huh? I owe you.
 
[quote author="SoCal78" date=1233715316]I can't tell if this thread is intended to only be answered by Asian people. I guess I'll just throw my 2 cents in anyway. I have white parents. They did not help me at all with college, buying a home, etc. My father was born in 1938 to a family just coming out of the Depression. He usually did not have much to offer in way of financial support but at the times in later years that he did he still did not offer. He told me the best gift you can ever give your child are lessons from the "School of Hard Knocks". So there you have it. As an adult now, I do understand his point of view. He did what he thought would strengthen his child and I am glad for what I have learned because of it. To be honest, though, I think I will probably take a slightly softer approach with my own children, primarily when it comes to their education.</blockquote>


Wow. That is the rub, isn't it? What to do with our own children? How do you get them everything you want for them and at the same time instill a sense of gratitude and appreciation? This is a constant struggle in our home? Just when we seem to have achieved a balance, something new comes along and we have to figure things out again. Ugh!
 
[quote author="awgee" date=1233720005]

It seems we have more differences. Although I do not expect, I am training my children to do as well if not better than me financially and as parents and as humans. And I can not imagine being concerned with my parent's net worth except as it concerns their comfort and financial well being. Nor can I imagine counting on an inheritance for my desired lifestyle. When doing the math, I realize that my retirement will be more than adequate based on my own accumulation of assets. And for me, I would tend more to think, "God help me if I ever thought I was somehow entitled to my parent's assets, even through inheritance. Or if my desired lifestyle necessitated an inheritance from my parents."





Oh well, to each their own.</blockquote>


Glad I was able to get you to draft a long response, but I really only read the last paragraph. I'm not saying that people with a large inheiritence should feel entitled or do feel entitled or even expect a large inheiritence. I'm making the observation that relying on SS, 401k, and ira, the government and suze orman endorsed means of a well funded retirment, is a sure way of not being well funded for retirement, i don't care what the bankrate.com calculator says. The older generation due to pensions, real estate investment, etc, etc can retire, continue their lifestyle and have a nice chunk of principal remaining intact, every retirment scenario the younger generation runs has a dimiinishing principal ending in zero. How can you plan for retirement like that?



Your right, the concept of diving up inheirtance prior to death (aka early inheiritence) doesn't exist because you didn't find it on wikipedia. That's awesome, i'm glad you spent the time googling to prove me wrong. It's not like the concept of early inheiritence was that concept of the "prodigal son" (wikipedia "the bible") or King Lear (wikipedia "a book")



Also, i found this internet based article on "early Inheiritance"



http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig5/doyle6.html



so boo yaaa
 
[quote author="tkaratz" date=1233721537][quote author="awgee" date=1233720005]

It seems we have more differences. Although I do not expect, I am training my children to do as well if not better than me financially and as parents and as humans. And I can not imagine being concerned with my parent's net worth except as it concerns their comfort and financial well being. Nor can I imagine counting on an inheritance for my desired lifestyle. When doing the math, I realize that my retirement will be more than adequate based on my own accumulation of assets. And for me, I would tend more to think, "God help me if I ever thought I was somehow entitled to my parent's assets, even through inheritance. Or if my desired lifestyle necessitated an inheritance from my parents."





Oh well, to each their own.</blockquote>


Glad I was able to get you to draft a long response, but I really only read the last paragraph. I'm not saying that people with a large inheiritence should feel entitled or do feel entitled or even expect a large inheiritence. I'm making the observation that relying on SS, 401k, and ira, the government and suze orman endorsed means of a well funded retirment, is a sure way of not being well funded for retirement, i don't care what the bankrate.com calculator says. The older generation due to pensions, real estate investment, etc, etc can retire, continue their lifestyle and have a nice chunk of principal remaining intact, every retirment scenario the younger generation runs has a dimiinishing principal ending in zero. How can you plan for retirement like that?



Your right, the concept of diving up inheirtance prior to death (aka early inheiritence) doesn't exist because you didn't find it on wikipedia. That's awesome, i'm glad you spent the time googling to prove me wrong. It's not like the concept of early inheiritence was that concept of the "prodigal son" (wikipedia "the bible") or King Lear (wikipedia "a book")



Also, i found this internet based article on "early Inheiritance"



http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig5/doyle6.html



so boo yaaa</blockquote>


Good luck with your early inheritance.
 
New home designs release immediately after the recession my prediction will be targeting the younger Asian populations. With money coming from their folks prices would be higher than what we would expect.
 
[quote author="bkshopr" date=1233724170]New home designs release immediately after the recession my prediction will be targeting the younger Asian populations. With money coming from their folks prices would be higher than what we would expect.</blockquote>


I think you see that already, probably 50% ratio of asian faces in homebuilder marketing materials around oc.
 
Whenever there is a major holiday and we see our neighbor's parents arrive in their shiny Cadillac, my husband and I smile at each other and whisper "Here comes the money wagon!".
 
JC here. And then UCLA. In a Vega and a VW. That was a few years ago. We plan on buying our next home for cash.



I had a Korean girlfriend. When I met her she had a BA and an MA, both in Math and had her own townhome in Irvine. Her mother and sister lived in her place, rent free. I do not know the details, but her father was a pastor before he died and I assume he was not affluent enough to help her financially a great deal. She was self made and not self hating.</blockquote>


Yeah, I know I got some junk I still need to work on.. I thought I did a lot of that in counseling, but from today's thread it's still there.. gotta give the props where needed, and gotta count my blessings. At lease you got a dad that loved you and was watching your back; I'll just end with this, I know how it feels to have a shovel hit me so hard that it broke in two over my back...
 
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