My Grandmother Died

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[quote author="no_vaseline" date=1230430436]Thanks to all IHBrs who posted. I sincerely appreciate it.



My Grandmother lived a wonderful life and touched the lives of many. While it is reassuring that she was confortable to the very end, and it fills my heart with joy that she was loved by so many, my grief comes and goes in waves and I'm frankly not handling it very well.



I am blogging from a hotel room in NorCal, and should be back in a couple of days. Hopefully going back to my 'normal' life will help me get some structure and handle this better.</blockquote>


Vas, allow yourself time to grieve, Grief is a healthy way of dealing with a terrible loss or death of a loved one... Typically, there is a period of shock, followed by disbelief and then despair repeated over and over...



They key words in your post are "Not handling it well" some say "I'm not able to deal with it", None of us do and none of us ever will, we just learn to "Put it" for want of a better phrase, "in it's own special place"



I know how you feel because I've been there, in fact, never a Day passes by where I don't have a time that I'm still there...it does get easier with time.
 
It's right around 3 hours ago that I wrote the last post, since then I got a call that one of my best friends died of an aneurism last night...

It's like a punch in the Stomach...no other way to describe it really...
 
Participating in this blog has had an perverse twist on my personal event. As I was aware of the stages of grief <a href="http://www.coping.org/grief/stages.htm">(found here)</a> mostly from mockingly shoving them in the face of angry homedebtors and realtors who came here and spouted whatever form of nonesense, mostly because they were obviously ignorant of thier enviroment and the equally ignorant causes of thier angst.



So here's my personal reality check: when you are fully aware of the situation, it's causes, and the process <em>it's even worse.</em> You recongize what is happening and you are still totally powerless to control it. It is really, really, <strong>really</strong> frustrating. And a little more than a little embarrassing.



[quote author="Oscar" date=1230446616]Oh and carry a lot of tissue.</blockquote>


This is good advice, but it can be a problem when you are driving (see my comment about not handling it very well).



Thanks again for all the well wishes and notes. I sincerely appreciate it.



Peter,



Tonight after work, I'll go raise a pint for your buddy.
 
Others have already said this, but it bears repeating: it will get easier.



My grandfather -- and my hero -- died in August 1998. I still get choked up when I sit in the car he left me. I swear it still smells like him inside, even after being up on blocks, covered in storage for a decade. Sitting in that car with closed eyes, I remember the two of us, driving down San Vicente Blvd in Santa Monica, top down, chewing Wrigley's spearmint gum, Vin Scully's voice on the radio calling a Dodger game....



It will get easier.
 
[quote author="skek" date=1230602896]Peter,



I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's passing. My condolences to you and the family. Any passing is a tragedy, but an unexpected death during the holidays has to be among the most difficult things to deal with. No vas is right, if you are handling it "well," you probably haven't dealt with it yet. The stages of grief are natural and necessary for recovery.



NoThere, thanks for the memory of your grandfather. Mine was my hero, too. I didn't know him very well growing up (we lived on opposite coasts and didn't have the money to travel), but as an adult, I realize that I emulated him in many ways. He was a Marine with two Purple Hearts in the Pacific during WWII, was a self made man, overcame an alcohol addiction that nearly killed him, and quit smoking cold turkey in his 60s because he didn't want to be addicted to anything anymore. He passed after I had the chance to tell him that my (future) wife and I had gotten engaged, but he wasn't around for the wedding 10 months later. He too had a distinctive smell (maybe it's a grandpa thing). One night, about a year ago, I walked into my garage for something -- it was dark and late -- but as clear as anything, I smelled that familiar scent. I sat down on the step and just breathed in his presence for as long as it lasted. Nearly brought me to tears, years after his passing. Nope, some wounds never completely heal.



Enjoy the time you have with your loved ones, everyone, and not just during the holidays. You never know what tomorrow may bring.</blockquote>


That brings to mind another piece of wisdom: never leave anything unsaid. I carry some great regrets because of all the things I did not tell my grandfather, always feeling too silly or juvenile to tell him how much I admired him. You can't retrieve those lost opportunities.
 
Don't be embarrassed about grieving, No_Vas. It just means you are human, after all. Nobody thinks you are silly for going through that process. For what it's worth, I never had the privilege of having any grandparent in my life at all and would have liked to know what it means to love.... and even lose... one. I hope the new year will bring bright new beginnings for you, NV and Peter, and everyone else who has suffered this year.
 
NoVas,

I know what it feels like to lose a loved one. I have lost grandparents, parents and lovers, it is never easy. Take your time, but just realize that our loved ones never really wanted us to grieve for them. They just wanted us to know that we were loved and cared for by them. Good luck and take some time if you need it.

-bix
 
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