Heart of Parenting, Marriage, and Family

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hurijo said:
Haha, even though this thread is old it has piqued my interest now that I have a 5yo boy. Wondering if any opinions/advice have changed by posters after 5yrs have passed.

My current challenges are he seems pretty fragile (can cry easily) and doesn't want to try new things (hard to put him in activities/classes). We try to explain everything before things happen and also try to do things with his friends so it's easier. We try to be as patient ("you don't have to do anything you don't want to do"), but I wonder how far we are crossing the line to coddling.
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It sounds like you already did :-)

I remind my kids all the time that life is not all shits and giggles. That most of their life they are going to have to do things they don’t want to do. From a career perspective I tell them that there are generally two paths, they can work hard and make a lot of money or they can do something they love and probably not make a lot of money.
 
hurijo said:
My current challenges are he seems pretty fragile (can cry easily) and doesn't want to try new things (hard to put him in activities/classes). We try to explain everything before things happen and also try to do things with his friends so it's easier. We try to be as patient ("you don't have to do anything you don't want to do"), but I wonder how far we are crossing the line to coddling.
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I have five children that are all 16 years and younger. I'm guessing your 5 yo is your first and only child.

With the crying, I would say just empathize with how they are feeling. Tell them you understand. This also applies when they reach middle school & high school and get upset about something you find trivial. Try not to put them down for it. It's how they really feel. Life will have it's challenges, but it will mean a lot to them and build their confidence as children & adults knowing you are there for them.

As far as activities go, there's nothing wrong with letting a five year old decide not to do any structured classes. Kids actually learn and develop a lot from free play time by themselves, playing with other children, and being with their parents. They will naturally gravitate towards certain interests as they get older, like a magnet. And you might be pleasantly surprised by what they show interest/talent/skill in.
 
qwerty said:
From a career perspective I tell them that there are generally two paths, they can work hard and make a lot of money or they can do something they love and probably not make a lot of money.
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The sweet spot is do something they love and make enough money. :)
 
irvinehomeowner said:
The sweet spot is do something they love and make enough money. :)
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That will actually be an option for them because of what we will leave behind for them. I don’t want them to know that yet because I want them to have that drive and sense of urgency. Once a generation is successful the next generation tends to be less successful (maybe motivated is a better word) because they grow up with everything. When you grow up with nothing you have a much different desire to succeed.
 
All very good advices. LL, i had no idea you are raising 5 children under the age of 16. We must be similar in age as my twins are 13 now. I have great respect for parents who can successfully raise 5 children in a place like OC and i am sure you can really contribute to this thread by giving good parenting advice to the younger couples in their 30s.

I wanted give you this bible verse from Psalm 127:3

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.”

Liar Loan said:
I have five children that are all 16 years and younger. I'm guessing your 5 yo is your first and only child.

With the crying, I would say just empathize with how they are feeling. Tell them you understand. This also applies when they reach middle school & high school and get upset about something you find trivial. Try not to put them down for it. It's how they really feel. Life will have it's challenges, but it will mean a lot to them and build their confidence as children & adults knowing you are there for them.

As far as activities go, there's nothing wrong with letting a five year old decide not to do any structured classes. Kids actually learn and develop a lot from free play time by themselves, playing with other children, and being with their parents. They will naturally gravitate towards certain interests as they get older, like a magnet. And you might be pleasantly surprised by what they show interest/talent/skill in.
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Hey guys. I changed the title of this thread to "The Heart of Parenting, Marriage, and Family" from "The Heart of Parenting" as all three relationships are interconnected and I wanted everything in one place. I especially have a heart for those who are young couples in their 20s and 30s. Please feel free to share any challenges you may be going through in these area and I will try to assist. I am sure the older veteran members in TI would chime in as well.

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Today traditional families and homes in ultra competitive environments like Irvine are threatened by over busy schedules, financial and academic pressures, more than one job in a home, as well as multiple cars, televisions, digital devices, social media etc. Although some of these may appear to be blessings, these factors can create an entirely seperate path for each family member if they are not properly managed? Are you getting tired of trying to keep up with the Wongs, Kims, and the Patels?

Are children happy these days?

There is so much focus on the academic pressures even at a very young elementary age. There is also a lot of pressure on the extracurriculars (sports, arts, tutoring piano lessons, etc). Are all of these packed busy schedule and activites strengthening or weakening your marriage and family? I read an article the other day that South Korea is no longer a place for happy children? Can the same thing be said about raising your children in Irvine?
 
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What Matters? The rules for success in life are different than from the rules for getting admitted to Princeton or Stanford. The willingness to fail is one key to success in real life. To be a top student, you need to earn top grades in all your courses, and near perfect SAT scores. The values inculcated at most schools today, both public and private, reinforce a relunctance to take risks, a reluctance to fail.

Which of the follwing, measured when a child is 12 years old, the best predictor of happiness and overall satisfaction roughly 20 years later, when that child has become 32 year old adult?

A. IQ 1500+ SAT Scores
B. High GPA 4.0+
C. Self Control and Discipline
D. Open to new ideas
E. Friendliness
 
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Enter the Blue Ocean

Your job as a parent is not to reinforce the Red Ocean script but to undermine it. Encourage and empower your son or daugther to take risks and congratulate them not only when they succeed but also when they fail, because failure builds meekness and humility. And the humility born of failure can build growth and wisdom and an openess to new things in a way success almost never does.

Steve Jobs said something similar in his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford: "I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life."

Your child will have to be willing to try different things, to go in different directions, in order to find their niche, their calling, their vocation. And their niche, calling, and vocation can change over time. The Red ocean schools are not preparing your child for real life. Instead the Red Ocean schools is making your child less prepared for the real world, by pushing your child to be unduly cautious and risk averse.

This is a difference between a blue ocean and red ocean mind set is the difference between an innovative creative entrepeneur and a forever W2 employee.
 
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panda said:
Today traditional families and homes in ultra competitive environments like Irvine are threatened by over busy schedules, financial and academic pressures, more than one job in a home, as well as multiple cars, televisions, digital devices, social media etc. Although some of these may appear to be blessings, these factors can create an entirely seperate path for each family member if they are not properly managed? Are you getting tired of trying to keep up with the Wongs, Kims, and the Patels?

Are children happy these days?

There is so much focus on the academic pressures even at a very young elementary age. There is also a lot of pressure on the extracurriculars (sports, arts, tutoring piano lessons, etc). Are all of these packed busy schedule and activites strengthening or weakening your marriage and family? I read an article the other day that South Korea is no longer a place for happy children? Can the same thing be said about raising your children in Irvine?
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I read that article about Korea not being a god place to raise it. Can’t remember if it was on cnbc or yahoo. If what the article was saying is true I feel bad for kids there, well everyone there actually. It was about a woman not wanting to have kids and not yet telling her parents she wasn’t going to have any. I dont over do it with my kids because I want them to enjoy their childhood. If they are smart they will ultimately succeed no matter what school they go to. I have absolutely no issue with them going to a JC and the the last two years at a USC/UCLA/UCI/Cal st Fullerton, etc. with that said I do try to instill habits of success.
 
The toughest thing is maintaining and growing the relationship with your kids while being an actual parent. There will be moments of pain as the frontal cortex develops. I found fosterig the same athletic hobbies I obsess over - golf, surfing, snowboarding - was something our son grabbed onto as a kid and we still do those together now.
 
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