Aging parents

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[quote author="IrvineRealtor" date=1251031247]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_QZhfXbMQ6M8/SV2cdxnosYI/AAAAAAAAAbw/I7w5pyz0YK0/s320/Love+You+Forever+book.jpg



This book ruins me every time.



Thank you for sharing, and hope all works out well for you Step.

-Scott</blockquote>


Just looking at the cover of that book ruins me. I've never actually been able to get through a reading with one of my kids.



Best of luck step, pretty much all of us will have to deal with these things eventually, thanks for making us all think.
 
i agree- that book puts me to tears- it is so moving to me. i know i will soon be in the same situation too as my parents are 80 as well.



thanks step for sharing your experience.
 
Although I'm a bit on the younger side with my parents being in their late 50s, I did personally deal with my grandfather's death several years back from stage 4 stomach cancer. The hardest thing for me was watching him wither away right in front of my eyes. I never really created that strong bond with my parents as they were always off busting their ass working 6-7 days a week to provide for our basic needs and give me the opportunities for me to be the best that I can be. So basically my grandfather (on my dad's side) who was there for me and who was my best friend that I could go to (my parents were so judgmental and hard headed). There were many days where I had to help care him or see him in pain and know that I couldn't do anything...it was tearing me apart. But the way that you approached his coming death was what made me from completely breaking down (he focused on how he had a great long life and how he was able to see him children and grandchildren all grown up). I would love sitting down with him and hear him telling me about all those stories of how him and his brothers helped Jewish children flee to Switzerland and Spain from Polish during WWII (one of the reasons he knew how to speak 7 languages) and of how he met my grandmother. Before he died, he did make me promise him that I would go to grad school....the year after he died I was enrolled at USC B-school. Moral of the story...despite all the negative aspects of seeing family members that you are close with wither away right in front of your eyes, keep your focus on the positives and enjoy the time that you can with them. Stay strong Step, it really shows how much you love your mom and I'm sure she sees it as well.
 
[quote author="SoCal78" date=1251028387][quote author="graphrix" date=1251027939][quote author="roundcorners" date=1251019055]Step, thanks so much for sharing? that is a reality that we never ever think about! <strong> Not to generalize but, my wife wanted a daughter so that she can take care of my wife when we get older. I know sons are great but they are not known for detail elderly care. </strong> And, since I?m most likely sure he?ll be the only child, well, we got to really teach him responsibility early. Do you have siblings that you can consult with and help? That is like the main argument against having only one kid; we hate to leave it all up to him/her. I hope my mom lives well into her 80s?</blockquote>


You are generalizing, and I find it quite ignorant. I speak from experience, when it was my dad taking care of my grandmother, and then when it was me helping take care of my dad. Whomever told you this nonsense, please let them know I would love to meet them, so I care share my experience of how what they say is a bunch BS. I will try my best not to kick them in the nuts, but no promises.</blockquote>


I'm a woman and I wouldn't want my boys wiping my ass if I could help it, so yes, a daughter would come in handy. I can understand how RC's wife feels. You can't, so I guess you're "ignorant". I hope you like that.



(Old SoCal would have said: "Graph, I'm really sorry. It sounds like something happened to your dad. You're a good son for taking care of him." New SoCal isn't going to be as nice with you.)</blockquote>


<img src="http://chroniclebooks.com/images/items/0811841/0811841405/0811841405_norm.jpg" alt="" />



<img src="http://chroniclebooks.com/images/items/0811839/0811839656/0811839656_norm.jpg" alt="" />
 
[quote author="SoCal78" date=1251028387][quote author="graphrix" date=1251027939][quote author="roundcorners" date=1251019055]Step, thanks so much for sharing? that is a reality that we never ever think about! <strong> Not to generalize but, my wife wanted a daughter so that she can take care of my wife when we get older. I know sons are great but they are not known for detail elderly care. </strong> And, since I?m most likely sure he?ll be the only child, well, we got to really teach him responsibility early. Do you have siblings that you can consult with and help? That is like the main argument against having only one kid; we hate to leave it all up to him/her. I hope my mom lives well into her 80s?</blockquote>


You are generalizing, and I find it quite ignorant. I speak from experience, when it was my dad taking care of my grandmother, and then when it was me helping take care of my dad. Whomever told you this nonsense, please let them know I would love to meet them, so I care share my experience of how what they say is a bunch BS. I will try my best not to kick them in the nuts, but no promises.</blockquote>


I'm a woman and I wouldn't want my boys wiping my ass if I could help it, so yes, a daughter would come in handy. I can understand how RC's wife feels. You can't, so I guess you're "ignorant". I hope you like that.



(Old SoCal would have said: "Graph, I'm really sorry. It sounds like something happened to your dad. You're a good son for taking care of him." New SoCal isn't going to be as nice with you.)</blockquote>


Just spend $25 for a Raised toilet seat so older people can get off and off the toilet themselves.



(ex. <A href="http://www.amazon.com/Carex-Health-Brands-B302C0-Raised/dp/B000AEGCQM">http://www.amazon.com/Carex-Health-Brands-B302C0-Raised/dp/B000AEGCQM</A>



Also, get them a pickup tool so they can reach stuff without having to bend down for it.



ex. <A href="http://www.amazon.com/Duro-Med-Aluminum-Reacher-Magnetic-Tip/dp/B0009STNME/ref=pd_sim_hpc_6">http://www.amazon.com/Duro-Med-Aluminum-Reacher-Magnetic-Tip/dp/B0009STNME/ref=pd_sim_hpc_6</A>
 
My husband was an only child. His father died when he was just fourteen years old. His mother never learned to drive and shortly after his dad passed away they moved to Whittier near a bus route (she was older when she had him). He grew up very quickly and got a job at fifteen to help out with buying school clothes and saved for car insurance. At sixteen he got a better job at a dairy that paid $2.28 per hour at the time and went on to get his drivers license. He didn't have time for after school sports, etc. as he had a job and responsibilities. He took wonderful care of his mother while she was alive. My mother always said anyone that takes care of their mother like that will take care of you as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't matter if you have a son or daughter it's how you bring them up. BTW stepping_up item #6 on your list of things you've learned reminds me of the book called tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.
 
[quote author="centralcoastobserver" date=1251025378]I'm a RN with more years of experience than I really want to recall, and also the personal experience of caring for my mom in her last years, complicated by dementia. So, from both professional and personal experience:



Have the tough conversation(s) before you really need them. How does your dad/mom (or whoever...) feel about dying? Would they want to try every possible means to keep going, even if it meant days/weeks/months in a facility dependent on technology? If they say "yes" then fine, you know what they want, and can facilitate that. If, however, they say "no" - that it's more important to them to have some ability to make choices and don't want to be dependent on technology, then you'll know that, and be able to facilitate those types of decisions.



Unlike TV and the movies, there are rarely simple "black and white" choices. And technology, these days, comes in all sorts of forms. Most people are pretty clear on the complexities involved in accepting or declining to be placed on a ventilator, for example. But what about "simple" surgery? I've had situations where elderly people (80 years or older) have had a colon mass. The patient doesn't really want surgery, and the resultant colostomy, but the children feel that mom shouldn't "give up" yet, and push for the surgery. The result is that the surgery is sucessful, but the patient can't manage the colostomy care independently, the children don't want to learn or are too far away, and mom ends up in a skilled nursing facility, which she never wanted in the first place.



Once you have those tough conversations, and you believe you understand what your mom or dad wants, then get medical POA (financial as well, if they will agree...) and keep the forms handy. You'll need to fax them to physicians and hospitals to prove your right to obtaining medical information and making decisions if your mom/dad can't.



If you don't live close enough to your parents to check on them frequently, consider hiring a nurse case manager, or a geriatric case manager. They will meet with your parents, make a baseline assessment of their abilities and needs, and check with them periodically to make sure that the situation is still "ok." Nurse case managers have a slightly more "medical" perspective, and geriatric case managers tend to be social workers, so they have a slightly different perspective, but either can be very helpful. You can decide based on your parents history.... if they have a number of chronic medical issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, my bias would be towards a nurse case manager. If it's more a case of needing household assistance, the social worker model might be best. You can find referrals to such case managers thru most counties "Office on Aging" or similar agencies. Once a case manager is involved, they can find the best providers of additional services if needed.</blockquote>




I just want to make sure that everyone that has concerns about their parent(s) or grandparent(s) saw this thoughtful reply. Heeding this can potentially mitigate big tragedies and also keep you from would have, could have, should have moments later on that can haunt you.
 
[quote author="roundcorners" date=1251019055]Step, thanks so much for sharing? that is a reality that we never ever think about! Not to generalize but, my wife wanted a daughter so that she can take care of my wife when we get older. I know sons are great but they are not known for detail elderly care. And, since I?m most likely sure he?ll be the only child, well, we got to really teach him responsibility early. Do you have siblings that you can consult with and help? That is like the main argument against having only one kid; we hate to leave it all up to him/her. I hope my mom lives well into her 80s?</blockquote>


RC,



My mom has 4 children, two boys and two girls. Geographically, I'm the nearest, but for whatever reason, I have always been the closest. I am the youngest and Mom was 42 when she had me. I knew from the time I was a little girl and my mom was "old" that I would be the one to take care of her. I've been the closest to her emotionally for as long as I can remember. Both brothers are %&*$'s, but one has an excuse, the other doesn't. Either way doesn't really matter to me at this point as they are MIA.



My sister is a gem, but she lives in New Mexico and her relationship is different. I am thankful that I have her and I love her to death.



The fact that my brothers are worthless is not a gender issue though. When my husband asked me to marry him, one of the things that he told me was that he was aware that my mom was part of the deal. He knew that ultimately and imminently that I would need to take care of her and he was willing to bear that burden with me. She wasn't his own mother mother, yet he knew that choosing a life with me was likely going to entail caring for my mom. His ony complaint is that he forgot that the 18 yr old pug terrier was part of the package as well. That is humanity and humanity isn't a gender based trait, which is why we even have the term "humanity."



I know of many sons who bore the burden and each of these sons are simply loving human beings. It does seem that in most families there is a defacto child who will do the most. I'm not sure how and why it is decided, but the hierarchy seems to just evolve even without discussion. I'm not saying this is universal, only that it does seem to be the case more often than not.



Anon,



I hope you were trying to be helpful, but your intro about "just get them these" and your life will be worry free really annoyed me. Got my mom the grabber two years ago. I really hope that you just meant that these are things that would be helpful for older people because they certainly are, but it gets a heck of a lot more complicated when there are things like meals, medications or in my mom's case, diabetes and memory loss to deal with.



Again, I want to thank everyone for their ovewhelming support. It's certainly not fun, but it is life and as such we will do the best we can with the hand that we have.
 
I find the gender issue to be really fascinating. I never really considered that anyone would think that a daughter would always be the one to take care of elderly parents. While it may be true in step's case, I really don't think gender has anything to do with it. Recently my husband's uncle visited from the Bay area and commented about how much he wished he had a son like my husband. He has never really been close to his own son. When he left, my mother-in-law commented about how "you get back what you put in" in reference to my husband's uncle's parenting skills. There is absolutely no reason why a son couldn't be a great caretaker for elderly parents. I think the parents here should realize what my mother-in-law said, "You get back what you put in". How well your kids treat you is a direct reflection in most cases of how well you treated them, particularly if you were able to develop a close bond with them into adulthood. As always, exceptions do apply.
 
Bumping the thread, both to see how Stepping_up is doing, and to relate an on-going personal story. My partner's parents are both in their mid 80's, and although the relationship between he and they is cordial, they aren't really close. His dad had multiple falls close to Labor Day, and ended up hospitalized for a few days, and then moved to a skilled nursing facility for some rehab. His mother wasn't concerned regarding the financial aspect... because they had a Medicare supplement, and a long term care policy.



It turns out, however, that the "Medicare supplement" has no benefit for skilled nursing level services, and the "long term care" policy only provides $100/day benefit if he needs to spend more than 90 days in a skilled nursing facility. It has no benefit for home based services, and has no benefit for an assisted living facility. The cost per day, if he was at a skilled nursing facility after 90 days, would be about $200/day, so the policy would pay half the cost. I suppose that is better than nothing, but what he really wants is to return home, and he would need a caregiver to do so. There's no benefit for that.
 
[quote author="centralcoastobserver" date=1253960030]Bumping the thread, both to see how Stepping_up is doing, and to relate an on-going personal story. My partner's parents are both in their mid 80's, and although the relationship between he and they is cordial, they aren't really close. His dad had multiple falls close to Labor Day, and ended up hospitalized for a few days, and then moved to a skilled nursing facility for some rehab. His mother wasn't concerned regarding the financial aspect... because they had a Medicare supplement, and a long term care policy.



It turns out, however, that the "Medicare supplement" has no benefit for skilled nursing level services, and the "long term care" policy only provides $100/day benefit if he needs to spend more than 90 days in a skilled nursing facility. It has no benefit for home based services, and has no benefit for an assisted living facility. The cost per day, if he was at a skilled nursing facility after 90 days, would be about $200/day, so the policy would pay half the cost. I suppose that is better than nothing, but what he really wants is to return home, and he would need a caregiver to do so. There's no benefit for that.</blockquote>


Your partner's dad might be able to hire a caregiver for around $12 per hour. I had a few friends that worked as care givers and that is about what they charged as an independent. If he doesn't need round the clock care that would equate to about $100 per day. Most of the agencies charge around $20 per hour for home care and pay there caregivers half that. Many would love to work for less than the agency charges but higher than the agency pays them.
 
[quote author="centralcoastobserver" date=1253960030]Bumping the thread, both to see how Stepping_up is doing, and to relate an on-going personal story. My partner's parents are both in their mid 80's, and although the relationship between he and they is cordial, they aren't really close. His dad had multiple falls close to Labor Day, and ended up hospitalized for a few days, and then moved to a skilled nursing facility for some rehab. His mother wasn't concerned regarding the financial aspect... because they had a Medicare supplement, and a long term care policy.



It turns out, however, that the "Medicare supplement" has no benefit for skilled nursing level services, and the "long term care" policy only provides $100/day benefit if he needs to spend more than 90 days in a skilled nursing facility. It has no benefit for home based services, and has no benefit for an assisted living facility. The cost per day, if he was at a skilled nursing facility after 90 days, would be about $200/day, so the policy would pay half the cost. I suppose that is better than nothing, but what he really wants is to return home, and he would need a caregiver to do so. There's no benefit for that.</blockquote>


Well, the state used to offer in home care services, but I think that was one of the first things axed in the budget debacle. <a href="http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/cdssweb/PG139.htm">Look here</a> for possible help.
 
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