Best of The Onion

NEW -> Contingent Buyer Assistance Program

Trooper_IHB

New member
<p>I try and visit this news parody publication's website a few times a week for a laugh. Check out The Onion. <a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/index">Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source</a></p>

<p><a target="_blank" href="http://oascentral.theonion.com/RealMedia/ads/click_lx.ads/theonion/video/406390603/Middle/TheOnion/Onion_House_250_O/deadhead_300x250odwonline.jpg/63666338373463383437393231386430?"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://a248.e.akamai.net/7/800/1133/1196710529/oasc02.247realmedia.com/RealMedia/ads/Creatives/TheOnion/Onion_House_250_O/deadhead_300x250odwonline.jpg" /></a> </p>
 
<a title="http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mitt_romney_defends_himself?utm_source=EMTF_Onion" href="http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mitt_romney_defends_himself?utm_source=EMTF_Onion">Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations Of Tolerance</a>
 
I copied this from the Onion and modified it...





<img src="http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/onion_circle-of-hell.jpg" alt="" />
 
<p>IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack.</p>

<p>"Bush is the real deal, and when he talks about fighting for freedom, he means it," said Pvt. Tom Scharpling, 21. "He'd never ask one of us grunts to take any risks for our country that he wasn't willing to take himself."</p>

<p>According to reports from the front, many of the soldiers were initially suspicious of the president, doubtful that an Ivy Leaguer who once used powerful family connections to avoid service in Vietnam had what it took to face enemy fire head-on. However, Bush—or, as his fellow soldiers nicknamed him in a spirit of battlefield camaraderie, 'Big Tex'—quickly overcame the platoon's reluctance to having a "fancy-pants Yalie" in its ranks.</p>

<p><img src="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news379.jpg" alt="" />


</p>

<p>"Bush is the best soldier I've ever had the honor of fighting alongside," said Pvt. Jon Benjamin, 23. "I'd take a bullet for that man, because I know he'd take one for me if he had to."</p>

<p>Proving himself a worthy foot soldier, Bush has earned the respect of his fellow front-line combatants with acts of courage and heroism that one soldier called "a truly inspiring example of one man's commitment to the cause of liberty."</p>

<p>"Just yesterday, George stormed an Iraqi machine-gun nest when our sergeant took one in the belly," Pvt. Scott "Lumpy" Fellers, 20, told reporters. "We were pinned down, cut off from our division, and it looked like curtains for us all. Thankfully, George was there. He ran through heavy artillery fire and lobbed a grenade right into their bunker. If it hadn't been for him, God knows how many of us would've been coming home in body bags."</p>

<p>"It's not just any president who would risk his life like the nation's men in uniform do," Fellers added. "God bless him and everything he stands for."</p>

<p>Bush's courage, sources say, was evident from the earliest stages of the war's planning. Though the Pentagon initially wanted an air war with minimal ground combat, Bush quickly dismissed this strategy, insisting that the only way a true and lasting victory could be achieved was to go in and fight—dune by dune, village by village—until Iraq was finally free.</p>

<p>White House sources say Bush's decision to place his own life on the line for his country met with resistance from top military leaders.</p>

<p>"The Joint Chiefs of Staff kept telling him, 'Mr. President, we beg you—stay here in Washington, where it's safe.' But George was having none of it," said Maj. Gen. Buford Blount, commander of the 3rd Infantry. "He was adamant that if our boys overseas were going to risk their lives for liberty, he was going to do the same. And, by God, he proved himself a man of his word."</p>

<p>The president has only been in battle for less than a week, but he has already proven himself more than willing to put himself in the line of fire.</p>

<p>"The president carried me through an enemy minefield after my arm had been blown off by a mortar shell, blazing away with his pistol as he delivered me to safety," Pvt. Chris Adair said. "Then, after he'd gotten me to a medic, he went all the way back through that same minefield—carrying a 40-pound bag of ice the whole way—to retrieve my severed arm so the doctors could sew it back on. Now, thanks to President Bush, I'll still be able to play piano for the church choir back home in Appleton, just like I promised Grandma. He is truly an American hero."</p>

<p>Adair's comments were echoed by many of the soldiers fighting alongside Bush.</p>

<p>"I used to be cynical about politicians who are born into privilege and wealth. I thought, 'Sure, they talk a good game about our duty to protect democracy, but when push comes to shove, they'd rather send off the nation's poor, uneducated, and underprivileged to do the fighting for them,'" said Pvt. Frank Elkins, 19. "I always figured they'd rather see somebody else die in some foreign land than make that sacrifice themselves. But now I know I was wrong."</p>

<p>"There may be some folks out there, born silver spoon in hand, who'd act that way, but that ain't Bush. No, that ain't Bush," Elkins said. "He ain't no fortunate son."</p>
 
<p><em>"It is shameful that in America in 1998, with all the wealth and technology we have at our disposal, there are still people out there who have no place to go," Case said. "No American should be without an address."</em></p>

<p><a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29147">America Online To Build Three Million Home Pages For The Homeless | The Onion - America's Finest News Source</a></p>
 
HT to Nude for pointing out this site. <a href="http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i30234">TheSpoof.com : Dems Acquire Republicans in Hostile Takeover funny satire story</a>
 
<p><strong>U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan</strong></p>

<p>WASHINGTON, DC—Plagued by late fees, high interest rates, and harassing creditors, the U.S. took out a debt-consolidation loan Monday, combining the nation's $6.1 trillion debt into a single, easy monthly payment</p>

<p><a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_takes_out_debt_consolidation">U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source</a></p>
 
Trooper, maybe it's just me, but I can't get into TheSpoof.com . If you want to see political satire done right, nothing beats www.scrappleface.com
 
http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=2889





Mitt Quits, Huckabee Vows to Quit Later



<h4>by <a href="mailto:ScottOtt@ScrappleFace.com">Scott Ott</a> for <a href="http://www.scrappleface.com/">ScrappleFace</a> · <a href="http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=2889#comments">37 Comments</a></h4>



<p>(2008-02-07) — Shortly after former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney told a shocked crowd at the Conservative Political Action Committee’s (CPAC) annual convention today that he’s <a target="_blank" href="http://thepage.time.com/transcript-of-romneys-speech-withdrawing-from-the-race/">ending</a> his presidential bid for “the good of the nation”, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee vowed to fight on “until my presence becomes pathetic, embarrassing and ridiculous.”</p>



<script type="text/javascript"><!--

google_ad_client = "pub-7842228238631502";

google_ad_width = 200;

google_ad_height = 200;

google_ad_format = "200x200_as";

google_ad_type = "text";

//2007-11-05: PostAd

google_ad_channel = "0544623674";

google_color_border = "CCCC99";

google_color_bg = "FFFFFF";

google_color_link = "0000FF";

google_color_text = "000000";

google_color_url = "008000";

google_ui_features = "rc:6";

//-->

</script>

<script src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js" type="text/javascript">

</script>



<p>“It takes 1,191 delegates to win the nomination,” said Mr. Huckabee addressing a rally of his supporters, “Since I’m 1,000 delegates <a target="_blank" href="http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/huckabee-vows-to-press-on-2008-02-07.html">short</a> of the goal, most folks think I’ll be dropping out soon. A day may come when the courage of men fails. When we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of men comes crashing down. But it is not this day. This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand!”</p>

<p>Asked later by a reporter why he had quoted Aragorn’s soliloquy at the Black Gate from the movie “Return of the King”, Mr. Huckabee shrugged his shoulders, sheathed his sword, and got back on his campaign bus.</p>
 
<p>IR to IAC :</p>

<p><a target="_blank" href="http://oascentral.theonion.com/RealMedia/ads/click_lx.ads/theonion/science/news/L21/543905693/BottomRight/TheOnion/Onion_House_250_O/Store_DH_300x250haunt_0208.jpg/7a38683079456553474e414143664946?x"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://imagec08.247realmedia.com/RealMedia/ads/Creatives/TheOnion/Onion_House_250_O/Store_DH_300x250haunt_0208.jpg" /></a></p>
 
<p>Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies</p>

<p><a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/news/idiom_shortage_leaves_nation_all"><img title="Idiom Shortage" alt="Idiom Shortage" width="298" src="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/idiom_hp.frontpage_thumbnail.jpg" /></a></p>

<p>WASHINGTON—A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle.</p>

<p>Since beginning two weeks ago, the deficit in these vernacular phrases has affected nearly every English speaker on the continent, making it virtually impossible to communicate symbolic ideas through a series of words that do not individually share the same meaning as the group of words as a whole. In what many are calling a cast-iron piano tune unlike any on record, idiomatic expression has been devastated nationwide. This is an absolute oyster carnival," said Harvard University linguistics professor Dr. Howard Albright, who noted that the 2008 idiom shortage has been the country's worst. <a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/news/idiom_shortage_leaves_nation_all">MORE...</a></p>
 
<p><strong>Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs</strong></p>

<p>WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs go on sale. "With any luck, we can pull together as a nation and get through this thing before Dec. 15, 2010," said Bush, referring to the tentative release date of his autobiography, <em>Born Leading</em>. "It would be a terrible tragedy if this massive economic downturn left the average American family unable to afford the $39.95 plus tax they need to buy my book." Bush added that he is currently considering an exclusive straight- to-paperback deal with Wal-Mart to make his memoirs less costly should the country slide into a crippling economic depression.</p>
 
<a onclick="javascript:open('http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75600', 'enlarge_image_window', 'width=425px, height=741px, scrollbars=yes, lend=20px, top=20px');" href="javascript:void(0);"><img width="203" height="300" title="Shroud" alt="Shroud" src="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Shroud-of-R.article.jpg" /></a>

<p><em>Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo assures reporters at a Vatican press conference that it is far too late for club soda. </em></p>



<p><a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/news/shroud_of_turin_accidentally">Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt | The Onion - America's Finest News Source</a> </p>
 
<strong><span style="font-size: 14px;">Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns</span></strong>



<a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/news/johnson_johnson_introduces_nothing">What are you, some kind of baby ?</a>



<img src="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Johnson-And-R.article_large.jpg" alt="" />
 
Back
Top