A Question for Irvine Wives

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roundcorners_IHB

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Hey ladies, I?ll tell you a little secret about your husbands. When you guys visit those large model homes; and you comment how wonderful and roomy the house feels; and you mention how you like certain features and upgrades; and he sees how happy and excited you look talking about the house; what is going deep in his soul is pure insecurity!



The deepest, darkest secret of every <a href="http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/forums/viewthread/5104/">Irvine Man </a>is the question: does he have what it takes? Does he have what it takes to make you feel secure and happy? Can he buy you that big house; can he provide, can he come through for you. The basic question goes something like this; what if I give it all I got and it?s still not enough! That is what haunts every man; so much so that he rather hide; hide at work, hide from you (emotionally) and hide from other guys.



During the housing boom, I felt like the biggest looser. There was no way I could remotely afford those outrageous prices. I was so frustrated and defeated that from my brokenness I turned to resentment for people who could buy (<a href="http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/forums/viewthread/4219/">with parental help</a>) and actively participated in the Schadenfreude here on the IHB.



After talking and personally getting to know some of our friends who have bought, we see the <a href="http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/forums/viewthread/5062/">instability</a> in their current financial lives; my wife and I learned to not make the same mistake.



One of the best heart-to-heart conversations recently was when we were defining the issue of security in our marriage. For me as a guy, I automatically assume she was talking about financial security. I was trying to sell her on having to work a little harder and a little longer; so we can stash away a little more for the down payment; also, having to sacrifice and stretch a little more so that we can buy that house we?ve been waiting for. When I carefully listened to her responses; what she actually wanted more was emotional security.



When giving my wife the same exact poll above; she overwhelmingly chose to down size our lifestyle over buying a larger house. She would rather I spend more time in our modest home, going on cheap <a href="http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/forums/viewthread/5040/">date nights</a> than to live in a huge home where I?ll be gone most of the time. She sees how important our <a href="http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/forums/viewthread/5086/">third places </a>are; and how vital our community plays in our character, growth, marriage and emotional well-being.



The most surprising thing about her response was how relieve I felt. It felt as if huge bolder has been lifted off my shoulders. There I was staying up late at night, crunching numbers on excel, trying to figure out the mello-roos, tax, HOA fees; coming up with best and worst case income scenarios in trying to afford different properties. All the while, all she really wants is that I be a good dad to our son; and all she needs is that I love her for the rest of her life.
 
Do me a favor, roundcorners. Please print out what you wrote above and give it to her for Mother's Day. That was beautiful and extremely well-written.



I took your poll but I guess I just realized I'm not the typical Irvine woman. When we go to model homes, my husband is the one oooh'ing and aahhhh'ing over the features and size. Then I get stressed and go back home, hop on to IHB and start asking you guys questions about closing costs (see today's post. LOL) and whipping out my Excel sheets. Yes, I too have best & worst case scenarios thought-out and in number form.



I asked him to read this post and he says he does identify with it.... that he wants to keep me happy and that is the goal of every husband. But really this is not much of an issue with us because the material things are not paramount to me and I would much rather have a simple life than compromising our quality of life to achieve bigger and "better" things. We both have the mentality of a saver but sometimes I have to talk him down off the ledge when it comes to electronics, computers, and sometimes housing features. Overall, though, we're both on the same page with what's really important in life.



The cheap dates are the best ones. We both like Wienerschnitzel way more than fancy restaurants and enjoy having the money left in our pockets. :-)
 
You know, i feel horrible...



I'm not in home debt hell

I used this earning time to save a few dollars for a rainy day.

Purchased sensibly, do not debt my way into more stuff.

Live in a modest place.



It hasn't been bad.... The rent i've spent over the last 6 years is finally equal to purchasing a house and having it fall 20% (~110k drop).

A 100k drop seems very nominal and even not that bad nowadays. The homes I have looked at are now 150-200k less and falling.



On a different note;

Marrying late, I think we both realize what a gift having a loving, healthy family is. Thank you for your wonderful post.

-bix
 
roundcorners - Thank you for your honesty and opening up.

My wife wants it all. And I am doing what I can. We will see.
 
roundcorners - sounds like you have a great wife.

Most of all, it's nice that you both appreciate each other.

Enjoy many years together!
 
looong weekend...



Thanks for the encouragement everyone! I certainly found my voice on the IHB these past few weeks. I went from being spiteful to being almost heartbroken over the human toll caused by the recession and housing bust. I definitely have more of a purpose in posting now. I guess I?m not like most guys, where I am interested in the emotional, psychological and social aspects of the stories we read. I see the wreckage that is the direct results of the financial stresses on marriages and people everyday. Sure, I still want prices to fall, but that doesn?t mean we don?t care for the people hurting.
 
[quote author="roundcorners" date=1241437481]looong weekend...



Thanks for the encouragement everyone! I certainly found my voice on the IHB these past few weeks. I went from being spiteful to being almost heartbroken over the human toll caused by the recession and housing bust. I definitely have more of a purpose in posting now. I guess I?m not like most guys, where I am interested in the emotional, psychological and social aspects of the stories we read. I see the wreckage that is the direct results of the financial stresses on marriages and people everyday. Sure, I still want prices to fall, but that doesn?t mean we don?t care for the people hurting.</blockquote>


The pain is ...

And the reality of it makes it worse than I thought it would be. I had a good idea of what the numbers would look like, but the emotional toll is awful.

Just found out today that a real estate agent, who is a really nice guy, is losing his home. It was open today. And empty. He left the home in excellent condition.

My guess is that he will never make tons of money selling real estate because he is well read on the real real estate market, smart, and honest. I do not know him well, just seeing him at open houses and sometimes when I walk our dog, but the really awful part is that I think he got married about one year after buying the house. I can not imagine how hard this must be on him, his bride, and their relationship.
 
Sometimes a person has to experience the big, fancy house to come to the realization that it just isn't worth it. When you are young, you don't think that your income will ever go down, or you will ever lose your job. These things happen. There is something to be said for living in a smaller, more affordable house and having peace of mind. Wondering if you can make your next mortgage payment is very, very stressful. The bigger the house, the more you will pay for insurance, taxes, landscaping costs, costs to re-carpet, re-paint, etc.



In a strange way, I equate this to the time we finally were able to buy our "dream" car. We bought it new and owned it for six years. It sat in the garage most of the time with a dead battery. Why?? Because we were too afraid that we were going to get into an accident, or that it would be damaged in some other way. The gas was expensive and it got poor mileage. New tires would have cost over $1,200.00. We finally sold it - it only had 13k miles on it! The moral of the story is this: We had to experience it ourselves to realize it was just a big waste of money. No amount of advice would have made a difference.
 
My wife is probably looking for option 3:



Waiting a few years to buy that large dream Irvine SFR that we been looking, waiting, saving & stretching for because it will be a more affordable house so that your husband can spend more time at home with [strike]you and[/strike] the kids...



EDIT: That's more realistic... my wife probably wants more "her" time.
 
How about another option.



Getting a house that is affordable so the wife (who makes more money) does not have to be so career driven, stressed out with work, and spend time with the family
 
Renting rules. As the AMEX commercial goes ...



Irvine house $1,000,000

Irvine condo $500,000

Renting from IAC and having the repair guy come for free to clean the drain and change the lightbulbs so you don't have to - priceless.

Knowing you can move at a moments notice for job changes - priceless.

Being able to surf the internet all day instead of doing yardwork - priceless.
 
RC:



If your wife is willing to have her friends and relatives come over and sit on the floor without objeciton to your furnitureless lifestyle, if that's not true love, I don't know what is.
 
I left the two choices kind of ambiguous on purpose, for the fact that every family has different price ranges... The whole point is #1 is affordable and within budget; #2 would be below budget, allowing for wiggle room, stress, unexpected expenses, quality time so forth...
 
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