How to help a friend... say something or shut up?

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socal78

socal78

Well-known member
I have a friend who is obese. This person seems to have a food addiction. We stay in touch on Facebook, where this friend has several photo albums full of pics of nothing but food. I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of photos of food!! Rarely do you see him/her post photos with any people's faces in them - just food. (Can't imagine how the family feels but that's beside the point.  ???) The description of one of the albums says: "Why take pics of food? Because that's all I ever think about."  :o This friend recently got married to a person who has completely let themselves go as well - a total behemoth! Of course, the two of them together share a favorite hobby -- eating.  :( My friend is in the early-30s and already on blood pressure medication! A mutual friend of ours met up with this friend and was discussing this topic because the other friend has done a cracking good job of losing weight and was encouraging the fat friend to give it a go. The obese friend said something about not being worried because of regular trips to the doctor.... almost making it sound like the doctor doesn't have a problem with their eating habits and weight. There is no doubt this person is obese and I don't see how a medical professional would not recommend doing something about that. Maybe that doctor is a quack. The fat friend has expressed some desires to lose weight and has tried going to the gym in recent years but would always stop. Or, order a salad at dinner but then proceed to pig out on lots of other food plus dessert - as though the salad makes up for everything. This friend recently posted a picture of themselves with their spouse and myself and the other friends had our jaws drop to the ground. They have ballooned up to new levels. They are thinking about having kids. I don't think they are being very realistic about how their unhealthy ways can negatively affect things like their ability to have a family (their fertility). It may be too little too late once they come across that problem, which I just have a feeling they will.

Anyway.

What do you do to try and help someone like this? I was going to post something like this except without all the specific details on Facebook but haven't yet for obvious reasons. Although, I have thought about mentioning it in general anyway and hoping they connect the dots.

In a way, I think sometimes tough love works. I know I had an "issue" once. A loved one was actually the one to be brutally honest with me and it worked, although it hurt at the time and I thought it was so rude. Well, now I can say I'm glad for it. I would want someone to tell me straight-up if I was making a mockery of myself even if it came as a shocker. Then again, this person seems to know they need to do better and just doesn't care. It's as if a bowl of ice cream is worth more than their health, youth, and possibly even risk not having a family for - all over a second, third, or fourth helping!

If I say anything, though, especially if it's direct - I know I do risk losing that friend. I've already had a bad experience once with a similar situation where a friend was about to marry the totally wrong person. I pleaded with her not to go through with it and so did others but she married him anyway. It definitely put a damper on the friendship and all for nothing because she ended up figuring it out and getting divorced soon after, of her own free will. We are in touch now but things aren't quite the same. After that experience, I told myself to never say anything again no matter what a friend was doing - just stay out of it. I don't know, though. Seeing this other friend (and spouse) eat themselves to death has made me rethink that. What's a nice way to say, "You look terrible. You need help"?  ??? I don't care so much about saying it to the spouse - I barely know that person so it's not really my place - but I do care about the friend.

P.S. The hundreds of pics of food are not culinary masterpieces that you would show off. It's everything - a bowl of cereal, a banana ("a beautiful banana", it would say) - a drink - anything! This definitely some kind of obsession.
 
Maybe you could try to do it subtly or "try to" i.e. Ask your friend if he/she wants to walk or exercise or do some type of activity? That sounds tough though. I do think if you say something direct it will affect your relationship.
 
I would love to go for walks together. Unfortunately, this friend lives in Los Angeles and I live here. We seldom get together in the flesh. Our mutual friend asked if they want to join Weight Watchers with her. The obese friend said they think they should and will think about it but feels they can do it on their own. No progress has been made since then.... they have gotten worse since that discussion... much worse.
 
I should say, if I did say something, I would try to make it constructive - maybe offer some tips. (I think I could offer some helpful tips there as I've had my own success.) Not really just "You look terrible. Get help" like I said in the first post. That's what I think but that is not what I'd say. That isn't very productive. However, no matter how helpful someone may think they are being, I think we all know that sometimes there is nothing worse than unsolicited advice. We've all been on the receiving end of it.
 
Yes. I too have given unsolicted advice and what I have learned is people usually don't and won't change unless they want to. So even if you try to tell them as loud as you can they usually will not listen.

I did intervene in my sister's life but it was really tough and painful and I really had to be persistent to get her away from her cheating hubby. But we are pretty close and it was pretty intense. So I guess it depends on how close you are.
 
Since you only communicate on Facebook, I am assuming you are not very close to the friend. If that's the case, I don't feel giving unsolicited advise is recommended. This kind of issue is best handled in person, by people who are in close relationship with your friend.
 
Here is how I see things.

First of all there are 3 approaches you can take to this problem

A) Direct - It can be difficult to approach things this way, but it ensures that the message gets through as intended.  Mentioning concerns and ability to have a family shouldn't be sugar-coated

B) Subtle -  Assuming the person isn't a little slow, the subtle approach may make seem easier than the direct approach, but it is really the worst choice possible.  If they are able to "connect the dots", then any sense of hurt/insult that could be brought from a direct approach will still be there, only you won't have an opportunity to temper the pain, nor offer constructive advice as if you had been more direct.

C) No Response - In theory, this is the easiest approach.  It requires no effort on your part.  The only problem with this approach is that the problem will keep bugging you unless it somehow gets resolved without your help.

Realistically you have two choices - be honest and direct, or do nothing.

As someone else mentioned, a person with a problem is unlikely to accept help unless they are ready to receive that help.  Unfortunately this is where I can't really offer you much advice because I don't know the person in question.  However, while I agree that a person has to be ready to be helped before they accept help, it's always possible that a kind, but direct conversation could prove to be the catalyst that helps change their frame of mind either immediately or in the near future.  Of course it's always possible that the person will be insulted and will withdraw.  (Though you mentioned the situation with your friend who got married and divorced, I think of health issues in a different light than relationship issues.  "He is no good for you" is a subjective opinion.  "You are morbidly obese" is objective.  Hopefully your friend will be able to view things from the same perspective.)

Of course the final question is for you specifically - You have two realistic choices, be open, honest and direct (but also kind and helpful), or do nothing.  How would you feel about yourself pursuing one strategy or the other?

While I can't answer for you, I can say that for me the answer would be to talk to them in a direct, but compassionate manner.
 
One additional thing, when I say "talk", I mean "talk".  Don't do it via email, or IM.  Email is far too one directional, and IM doesn't allow either party to pick up on verbal intonation in a message.  If you can't have the talk in person, then do it over the phone.
 
bitmaster20 said:
Since you only communicate on Facebook, I am assuming you are not very close to the friend. If that's the case, I don't feel giving unsolicited advise is recommended. This kind of issue is best handled in person, by people who are in close relationship with your friend.
Click to expand...

The friend is more than an acquaintance. We've been permanent fixtures in each other's lives for twenty years. Unfortunately, Facebook has replaced emails and phone calls with most of my friends and I assume many of other people's friends too. The connection is still there but it is expressed differently. I think it is a good point, though, that it should probably be somebody very close. This person has no siblings. Maybe it should be a family member or something. Unfortunately, this person has sort of isolated themselves from us, the friends, once becoming married to the obese partner. That is too bad. I think they are literally feeding each other's food addiction.
 
That does make things more difficult.  If you are going to deliver the message, I really think that the personal touch of voice communication is needed.  Perhaps you could either ask your friend to give you a call via Facebook, or tell them that you are going to be in the neighborhood and see them in person?
 
winex said:
That does make things more difficult.  If you are going to deliver the message, I really think that the personal touch of voice communication is needed.  Perhaps you could either ask your friend to give you a call via Facebook, or tell them that you are going to be in the neighborhood and see them in person?
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I would say the best way to do it is in person.  You need to let that person know how serious the situation is and that you care enough to discuss the matter with them face-to-face.
 
Unfortunately your friend will always have her partner in crime to fall back on, who probably not only enables the habit but encourages it. I agree that whatever you do, it must be direct and in person. But I think the fix will require actions from both the husband and the wife. It doesn't sound like they want to change at all.

I would do this. I would find out what it is in life they really care about besides food. Like career, starting a family, philanthropy, caring for animals....etc. Not talking about a hobby or past time. But what their goals in life are. What motivates them as individuals. What inspires them. Somehow use that as motivation for them to become more healthy. It might be the only thing that carries more weight and means enough to them to change their life style. And that's what it is. Diet is a life style change. Not a "oh lets go on Jenny Craig for 2 months" thing. Yea maybe you'll lose 10 or 20lbs but what's the point after diet is "over". To lose weight, diet is much more important and effective than going to the gym. Of course if she can stay active, that's even better. But diet will produce more result than gym.

Then you'll need to help your friend come up with a compromise in diet. For example, I eat eggs, oatmeal, chicken breast, brown rice, fruits and vegetables during the week, and that's it. But I eat whatever I want on the weekend (no fast food though).  I don't do it to lose weight, but that's another thread :0. She won't be able to quit cold turkey and start going to souplantation every night. So she'll need you to help her ease into the new eating habit since her husband probably won't be of much help.


I agree with starlight too. I think there will only be so much you can do without trying to run her life. At some point, if she's happy with the way things are. Then you have to be ok with it. It's all perspective.


Be firm but be caring.
 
I vote don't say anything. Your friend already knows she is overweight, and having you confront her about it is just going to be painful for her and make things awkward between the two of you. Everyone knows how to lose weight--eat less, eat healthier, and exercise--so unless you can provide a magical get-thin pill, intervening won't really help. :) Just my two cents.
 
Thanks for all the replies / votes.

The friend - ok, I'll say it's a she. I don't know why I'm trying to be so secretive. Anyway, she just sent out a shocking group e-mail that was completely out of the blue. It started off by basically saying, "This probably will not come as a surprise to you all, but I have an obsession. I am obsessed with food. It's all I think about and dream about. I know this is unhealthy for me."

I was hoping the next line would say something like: "I've decided to get to the root of my problem."

Instead, it said: "So, naturally... I'm starting a food blog! I'll be posting tons of pictures and stories about food... things I cook and things I find. Join me as I eat my way around the world (travelling) and eat my way through life." She sounds so chipper about it.

:o

I equate this to saying: "I'm an alcoholic. Come visit my Beer Lover's blog!"

Another friend emailed me saying how concerned she is. The friend / blogger is openly asking for everyone to come leave comments on her blog, so of course now several people are wondering what to say.

The friend appears to be combating some kind of cynicism regarding food choices by making sure to point out how "healthy" certain parts are. For example, there is a photo of a ridiculously calorie-laden breakfast sandwich that is using 4 Hawaiian rolls as the bread(!) for 1 sandwich filled with greasy sausage, eggs, but oh- look, healthy celery!! She might as well just put it between two Krisy Kreme doughnuts and call it good.

I totally agree with the person above who commented that changing diet is so much more effective than relying on exercise alone. There are definitely tools available to help get one's mind in the game and achieve what they want to achieve. I'm not so sure she is aware of all her choices, then again, her infatuation with food seems to outweigh her care for anything else including herself.
 
Btw, there was a comment here that was deleted (NOT by me.) I saw it before it vanished. I won't say who it was from but you don't have to worry, Author. It was about how she could be planning an intervention for me at the same time if there's something I'm doing that she deems unfit. I thought it was hilarious. No offense taken. I got a good laugh. You didn't have to remove it.  ;)
 
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